The Gold Book
by Snuffles2
Summary: Here are collected tales of the famous Marauders, told by Moony himself...Stories of friendship, devil bunnies, portals to hell, boxers, and insane pranksters...
1. Prolouge: Friends Till the End

Disclaimer: All Characters belong to JK Rowling.  
  
Friends. Those people you can't live without. Those that you'd do anything for and know that they would do the same for you. They are there, through thick and thin, forever by your side. I have friends such as these. Sometimes we talk, letting our emotions flow freely, coming closer to understanding the hearts and spirits of our dearest companions...  
  
"Who the hell did I piss off to get stuck with you as friends?"  
  
"God."  
  
"A couple of them."  
  
"I must of pissed off the entire Greek Pantheon, obviously."  
  
I am Remus Lupin, and these are the tales of my fellow Marauders and I, through the years of Great Pranking, Chaos, and General Insanity. 


	2. Chapter One: Attila

Attila  
  
Now, the story of Attila is both a strange and amusing one. Who is Attila you ask? Attila is a stuffed pink rabbit, who currently resides under the bed of Sirius Black. Attila came into our lives one ordinary morning in the Great Hall. I remember it well. Sirius was dangerously close to collapsing in his oatmeal, James was muttering something about waffles, Lily Evans's eyes, and unibrows, and Peter was stuffing himself silly. I swear I was completely and utterly awake, never mind the fact that my elbow was sitting in the butter dish.  
  
That was when Attila came to us, like an Angel from the sky.   
  
Actually, more like a fire spitting demon of hell from the sky. Attila landed in Peter's plate. I do believe that Attila, to this day, holds a grudge against Peter for trying to eat her. This was the first time that we saw the power that she had over people.  
  
Peter picked Attila up and knocked Sirius over the head with her.  
  
Now, Peter is occasionally not the brightest bloke on the block, but even he knows that it is stupid idea to hit Sirius Black for any reason unless you are named James Potter. It was even stupider, as I'm sure he knew, to hit Sirius Black when he was half-asleep. As all in the Great Hall could have guessed, Sirius took Attila from Peter, and used her to knock his ass on the floor.  
  
It took about five seconds before another became victim to Attila bludgeoning. James Potter quickly found himself being beaten with a stuffed animal. I'm not entirely sure what happened, but somehow James got a hold of Attila and began repaying the favor.   
  
Now, as the most level-headed Marauder, it is my job to break up such fights as this. So I did. I relieved James of the stuffed rabbit. And that's when I felt it. The power of Attila overcame me. Before I knew it, I had smacked both Sirius and James with the rabbit. Bad idea.  
  
Sirius and James alone are formidable foes. Together they are deadly. I, of course, realized what I had done and tried to flee, only to be pounced by two black haired boys and pounded with a rabbit.   
  
Now Malfoy, being Malfoy, decided to make some snooty comment involving James, Sirius and I in a very crude manner. (I wasn't exactly paying attention, instead was fending for my life, having given up on dignity quite a while ago.) Now, Sirius has known Malfoy since he was three. Sirius has hated Malfoy since he was three. And Sirius takes insults to heart.   
  
I must say, I've never heard another boy scream like a girl as I did when Malfoy realized that there was a pink rabbit aimed for his head. I was also not aware that stuffed animals could leave bruises, but later that day, in the infirmary, I noticed a very peculiar bruise on Malfoy's head-in the shape of Attila's tail. Anyway, this attack caused Malfoy's cronies to get into the fight, along with several other Slytherins. The Gryffindors, as always, rose to the challenge. In the fight that followed involved flying food, teachers screaming detentions left and right, and people on both sides being pummeled by a stuffed rabbit. Finally the teachers resorted to stunning spells (it took three to subdue Sirius. He didn't wake up for a two days).  
  
Later on it was named the Battle of Attila. No one is sure why the rabbit ended up named Attila; but that is one of the mysteries of life. Like where Attila came from in the first place. She ended up in my dorm room, and was lost in the dark dank portal to hell, also known as Under Sirius's Bed, The Eater of Important Things You Need For Your Next Class, and the Reason that James has No Boxers and Has to Steal Sirius's.  
  
Somedays Attila crawled out of under the bed, and would be later found in strange places, such as in people's showers, the staff room, in the mouth of the lion gargoyle on the fifth floor, under the table at the great hall, and more often than not in toilets. Many times she caused either fights or just scared people enough that they peed their pants. It has not been just once that I have awoken to Attila hanging from a rope tied to the top of my bed, button eyes glowing in the night, fangs bared.  
  
And these are the days Sirius advises therapy. Whether for me or himself I am not sure. 


	3. Chapter 2: The Portal to Hell

The Portal to Hell  
  
As mentioned in the story of Attila, under Sirius's bed is the Portal to Hell. We call it by many names actually, but Portal to Hell was the shortest and best name we had for it.   
  
The portal was discovered shortly after we first arrived to Hogwarts. James was missing a pair of boxers, and was tearing apart the room looking for them. He ended up crawling under all of our beds, and when he went under Sirius's, he didn't come out.  
  
"Potter? Potter? Hey James!" Called Sirius, looking under the bed. (We were barely on first name basis at that point.)  
  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" Was the only response. Peter hid behind me as I stared. Sirius stood up, blinking, looking very serious (no pun intended) for an eleven year old. Then, as if he rescued people from under beds on a regular basis, he pulled the sheets of my bed (ignoring my protests) and tied them together in a rope. James's squeals could still be heard. He tied one end around one of my bedposts.  
  
"What ever you do, do not come after me. That is a portal to hell. Actually, it's not really hell, but what else would you call a place of pastel colors and Amazon-like Women that wish to lock you up until you are sixteen then use you as a sex slave?"   
  
"Heaven?" Asked Peter.  
  
"Well, normally I'd say yes, but I've heard stories from my uncle...it pisses off their boyfriends. And believe me, pissing off the boyfriends of Amazon Women is not a good idea. Poor guy lost his bits." He shook is head, tutting slightly, before striking a rather dorky superhero pose. "I SHALL RETURN!!" Then, wrapping the loose end around his waist, he dived under the bed.   
  
That was when I decided that I really needed medication. Or heavy drugs. But since everyone refused to give me either, I became an obsessed chocoholic. Add a little bit of peanut butter, and the world suddenly seems perfect.  
  
So Peter and I sat on my now sheetless bed (I surrounded by wrappers, Peter surrounded by chocolate frog cards) and waited. Occasionally we'd be entertained with screams, squeals, and a couple yells of "I DON'T WANT TO DRESS LIKE A SCHOOLGIRL!" from someone who sounded strangely like James.   
  
An hour past. ("DAMN YOUR FURRY HIDES!") Then two. ("NO! BAD FAIRIES! BAD!") Then three. ("Are these your boxers?") And four. ("GIVE ME BACK MY SWORD!!!") Then I fell asleep.   
  
The next morning, still no sign of James and Sirius, and the screams had lessened. Whether that was a good or bad thing, I did not know. I told the teachers that James and Sirius had eaten too much candy and had gotten very sick, and were currently throwing up in the bathroom. I'm not sure if they ever fully believed me, but puppy dog eyes work wonders.  
  
Finally, when I stumbled back into the dorm room, I was greeted with the site of Sirius (in his dorky superhero pose once more) dressed as Zorro (though he didn't have a sword. I thank who ever is watching out for me for that) and a very peeved James, dressed as a catholic schoolgirl, pig tails and all. (Though I highly doubt catholic schoolgirls wear "Albert and his Fairy Friends" boxers.)   
  
James swore to cut our voice boxes out with a spoon if we ever talked about it again.   
  
"Why a spoon?"  
  
"Because it will HURT more!!!!!!!"   
  
"You've watched Robin Hood: Men in Tights haven't you?"  
  
"Wha? No, I'm just being controlled by a malevolent higher power who knows about strange Muggle movies."  
  
"Oh."  
  
Sometimes James's boxers will still disappear under Sirius's bed, and I've waken up more than once to Sirius beating a well manicured hand that was sticking out from under his bed with a water pitcher.  
  
Five years after the first incident~  
  
"Siri...come back to us...come play with us..."  
  
"DELICIOUS- I MEAN DEVILISH FIENDS! BACK! BACK!" 


	4. Chapter Three: Christmas Morning

Title: The Gold Book  
Authors: Snuffles  
Disclaimer: Don't own none of it. Nopes. None.  
  
Author's Notes: I am so, so, soooo sorry. RL (Real life, not Remus Lupin, though he hasn't been helping) has been a bi---, and for a while I doubted I'd ever continue writing. I haven't read an HP story since shortly after the fifth book came out (HOW DARE SHE? :sobs:), school's been hectic, and my dad has disowned me because I'm not Christian. Joy. But, luckily for you all, my darling reviewers (I bow to you!!), a wonderful reviewer that read 'The Diary of Remus J. Lupin' caused a plot bunny to leap out of my screen and go for the jugular. After getting my neck stitched back together by my darling muse, I wrote this chapter. All for you, who have been one of the few things that has kept me from completely loosing it.  
  
MERRY CHRISTMAS/YULE/HANUKKAH/KWANZAA AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!  
  
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"Heeee'sa makin' eh list, an' he's checkin' iiit twiiice." These were the first words I heard on the wintry Christmas morning of my sixth year. I easily recognized the voices that were butchering the Muggle song. James Potter and Sirius Black had started yet another Christmas morning completely and utterly smashed. It was beginning to become a tradition. However, the other two times did not involve them smothering our dorm room with tinsel. The entire room was plastered in the stuff; it blocked the windows, the doors, covered the bed posts, and twisted around a snoring mass that I later found out to be Peter. Even Attila was in the Christmas mood; she too was tinsel covered, and a small Santa's hat was perched on top of her head, little holes cut out for her long ears.  
"Gooonnaaaa find out whooo's naughty or nice." Sang Sirius boisterously, half-supported by James, who was swaying to the tune, attempting to seal Peter's wardrobe shut with more tinsel, which had been charmed Gryffindor colors. Sirius had made himself a hula skirt out of similarly colored strands, and, clad only in it and boxers, attempted to stumble my direction. He failed, falling face first into the carpet, where he became enamored by a piece of flint.  
  
"How much have you two had to drink?" I asked, though common sense told me that I'd be much happier not knowing.  
  
"..um.um." James stared at his hands, as if the number would magically appear on them. Knowing him, I'd hardly be surprised if it did.  
  
"NOT ENOUGH!" He cried suddenly, after an in depth study of his life line. He made an amazing leap to his bed, and, after much shuffling and clinking, produced a half-empty bottle of Firewhisky and downed it. Disgusted, I turned and headed for the door, proposing to lock them in until they sobered up.  
Damned bloody tinsel. "SIRIUS BLACK! JAMES POTTER! GET THIS TINSEL OFF THE DOOR THIS INSTANT!" So maybe I was a bit harsh.  
  
"MUM HAS COME TO HOGWARTS!" Shrieked Sirius, eyes rapidly bulging. He scrambled for the window, only to be caught in the tinsel like a fly caught in a spider web. James ended up cowering under Peter's bed (he wasn't drunk enough to go under Sirius's, or his own, at least), murmuring something about 'werewolf PMSing' and 'rabid ice weasels.'  
  
"RED RUM! RED RUM!" This was from Peter, who had woken up to blood red tinsel and, well, me. I have no idea what brought 'The Shining' to his mind, but, in our little universe, anything could happen. I took several deep breaths, collected my temper, then glared at the ceiling. "Do you realize." I said, pronouncing each word slowly. ".that this has absolutely no plot, makes no sense, and is driving me mad?" I waited. I could sense the fidgeting. So, oh great authoress was not above anxiety, was she?  
  
"Um." Came the squeak. "I'm.um.kind of hoping that my readers are easily amused."  
  
"So you make us do silly things that are completely out of character, drive us out of our minds, and make us wear nothing but boxers and school girl outfits for the amusement of people that you do not even know?" I demanded, though I knew the answer. "Er.yeah?"  
  
"I'm deeply ashamed of you."  
  
"I'm sorry!!! I didn't mean it to all turn out this way! Don't yell at me!!! I'm SENSITIVE DAMMIT!"  
  
"Fix it."  
  
"What?" Her tone was incredulous.  
  
"I said, fix it. Put us in character. Give us clothing. Get rid of all this bloody tinsel. And do it now."  
  
"But, but."  
  
"I said NOW."  
  
"Yes sir."  
  
Remus Lupin awoke to beams of sunlight tickling his eyelids. He yawned, stretching long limbs, before sitting up. Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he scanned the room. His dorm mates were still asleep, as was to be expected. It was Christmas; not even presents were going to get them up early. He smiled for a moment, relishing in the peace and quiet, disturbed only by light snores.  
  
Wait a second.  
  
Where did that stuffed rabbit come from?  
  
FIN. 


End file.
